I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
