thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
