I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
