New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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