Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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