You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
