He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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