i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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