Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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