masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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