I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
