I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize