I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
