I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
