I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
