He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
