When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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