Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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