i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
