Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
