Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im holly from the hills drunk
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
