Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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