Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
