I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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