And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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