Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
