My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My liver just broke up with me...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
