I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
