I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
