At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
