I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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