No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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