i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
