Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
how does that bad decision feel?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize