my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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