My liver just broke up with me...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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