My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize