I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
