Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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