While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
