omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
