I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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