So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
