Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
