i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
