I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
