I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
