At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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