dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
