Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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