____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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