i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
