I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
