I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
