I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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