WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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