I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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