i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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