Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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