just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
