Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My cat gives me a boner
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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