Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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