i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
