I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
