I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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